I find it so weird that the time that I feel hit the hardest with the loss of my husband is when I’m driving home after substitute teaching. I miss him other times of course, but when I’ve finished my day and am driving home I am hit with enormous emotions.
The other day, after a very tough day of subbing, I could barely make it to my car before I started crying. Wait. Not just crying, but sobbing with those big gulps of breath and squinty eyes as tears streamed down my face. Halfway home, and still in the thralls of this episode, the screaming began. I felt such anger, frustration, and pain that crawled up my throat until I expelled it vocally.
That didn’t end when I reached the safety of my home. Then the real screaming began. I cursed. I yelled. I just…lost it.
Today on the commute home I felt those emotions returning and I thought, why do I keep feeling this so strongly now?
That’s when it hit me.
It’s because this isn’t the life I chose. I didn’t pick this path, it was thrust upon me. And now I feel like I have to take the second string and make it my starting line up. And I resent that.
I mean, I know I have to live and go on and make a new life. I know. I know. But that’s when my grief, loss, and seven other bazillion emotions hit me. Cause I didn’t want this life. I wanted to have a long and happy life with my husband while we both followed our dreams and created amazing books and drums. I wanted to travel with him to Italy and see history, art, and the beauty of the country. I wanted to grow old together and die together like the couple in The Notebook.
Instead I have to go back out into the world alone. I have to create a new career. I have to take care of things I didn’t really want to deal with. And I have to find a way to be happy.
When I’m driving home from my new endeavor I feel all of this. I know it’s normal to feel things like this. I know I will get through it at some point in my life. I know that some day in the future I will be happy. But right now it all seems so far off and unattainable.
Grief doesn’t make sense. It’s like a ninja jumping out and attacking you when you least expect it.
However, I guess there is something good in knowing the why of my breakdowns every day. It absolutely makes it easier to figure out how to deal with it.
Every day I learn something new about myself. Some things are good. Some are bad. I have learned I am like Wonder Woman strong. I have learned that I am rusty at making decisions for myself. I have learned that being a human being is a constant flux of adaption.
Nietzsche said, “What does not kill me, makes me stronger.” Said often and heard all the time, I can tell you that he knew what he was talking about.