Tomorrow we are having a wake for my husband as a celebration of his life. A time to talk about funny stories, things we will remember about him, and be together.
I had this idea of what I want it to be like. I know, bad idea to plan ahead because things usually don’t go as planned. But I think when I get right down to it, I want to just be in a room with people who have memories of him and then just talk about it all. I just want to focus on him and hear his voice through other people’s words.
On the other hand, I’m sad. For some reason this feels like a finality. Like a finish line or some place that’s been off in the distance and now we’re here. And I feel like once I cross that finish line things will change.
How? I can’t really put my finger on it. Just that saying goodbye this way takes me across something I don’t really understand.
Grief. I don’t understand it. I don’t know why I can hear something said on t.v. and I’m sobbing. Or why I sit in my home and feel his presence. Wait for him to come home. Or why I sometimes have to run through everything in my head to know he’s gone because I expect to go home and find him sitting in his chair.
It’s hard because I have to move on. I have to go on with my life. And on some level that feels like a betrayal. I know he wanted that. I know he wants me to go and live my life and do things like we wanted. But I still feel like I’m betraying him by living.
So for one day I just want to be surrounded by people who loved him. To talk about his crazy antics, big heart, and joy of music. To look at pictures of him up on a wall. To drink a toast to him. To be hugged and loved.
I think we’ll have that. I know he’ll be there.