Wake

Tomorrow we are having a wake for my husband as a celebration of his life.  A time to talk about funny stories, things we will remember about him, and be together.

I had this idea of what I want it to be like. I know, bad idea to plan ahead because things usually don’t go as planned. But I think when I get right down to it, I want to just be in a room with people who have memories of him and then just talk about it all. I just want to focus on him and hear his voice through other people’s words.

On the other hand, I’m sad. For some reason this feels like a finality. Like a finish line or some place that’s been off in the distance and now we’re here. And I feel like once I cross that finish line things will change.

How? I can’t really put my finger on it. Just that saying goodbye this way takes me across something I don’t really understand.

Grief. I don’t understand it. I don’t know why I can hear something said on t.v. and I’m sobbing. Or why I sit in my home and feel his presence. Wait for him to come home. Or why I sometimes have to run through everything in my head to know he’s gone because I expect to go home and find him sitting in his chair.

close up 2

Our wedding day!

It’s hard because I have to move on. I have to go on with my life. And on some level that feels like a betrayal. I know he wanted that. I know he wants me to go and live my life and do things like we wanted. But I still feel like I’m betraying him by living.

So for one day I just want to be surrounded by people who loved him. To talk about his crazy antics, big heart, and joy of music. To look at pictures of him up on a wall. To drink a toast to him. To be hugged and loved.

I think we’ll have that. I know he’ll be there.

Lorena

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3 thoughts on “Wake

  1. I am so sorry for your loss. Losing someone sure sends you on a rollercoaster doesn’t it? Thank you for sharing your journey. I love that you are having a wake. I think that is such a beautiful way to honor someone and focus on all the good of their life and who they were. May your memories be filled with love and laughter and help you through the tough times. Many hugs to you.

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