Anger. I know it.
I get mad at him for leaving me. I get mad at God for taking him.
It comes in small waves and great big tsunamis. I understand this stage more than I do denial.
There is so many ups and downs in this process, and I’m only a few weeks into it. I try not to think about a month from now when I don’t have so much to attend to. When it’s quiet and the pace of getting things done isn’t keeping my mind from the emotions. What will I feel like then?
I have always believed that with great sadness, anger is a more powerful emotion. With sadness we collapse. Our heart hurts. Tears are shed. Sobs escape. But with anger, we are defiant. We have this powerful rage running through us. We throw things. We cuss people out. We explode so we don’t implode.
Perhaps this is why anger is part of this process. It gives us strength even if it’s in misplaced anger.
But anger at someone who is no longer here can feel unfulfilling. We can’t get a response. We can’t see their face as we rally at them for the hurt they’ve caused. Just silence.
The anger for me was very obvious at the beginning. Yet as I grew to understand, the anger slowly dissipated. I’m not angry any more. Well, not much. I do have my moments. My thoughts of, damn you, why did you leave me?
It’s natural. We’re human. It hurts. We’re mad. We’re sad. It’s too much. What to do? Get angry.
I think my anger was more directed at God. I rallied to the sky as to why my husband had to suffer so much, to lose everything not once but twice. I ‘m angry at God for treating him like a cat with a mouse. Batting him around. Making him suffer. That to me seems so unfair. (I know, life isn’t fair) but it seems so…unGodlike.
But after I’m done raising my fist to the sky I know.
Everyone has their belief system. It is my belief that we come here to live, to learn, and to grow. There is so much beauty here that we often don’t see because we’re mired down in the yuckiness or the day-to-day bullshit. I believe that wherever we go after this planet is beyond amazing. There we are healthy, light, peaceful, and blissful. There we can watch over those we love and be their angels.
Does that make me understand? Do I know the why?
No, and I never will. I’ll never know why I only got six years with this wonderful man. I’ll never know why he had to be in so much pain. And so after a boiling point my anger fades as I decide, I don’t need to know why.
I only need to know that I was able to love someone so completely and be loved the same in return. I got so many smiles, hugs, so much laughter, and thousands of kisses. I was adored. I was teased. I was treasured. I was loved.
This is what melts that anger away. I had what many people yearn for so how can I ever be angry at that? I had unconditional true love. I was blessed. How can I be angry after knowing that?