Loss

Since I last posted my world was turned upside down. My universe slowed. And the stars paled in the sky.

SONY DSC

Terry Whitington doing what he loved!

I lost my husband who was my soul mate (in all the right ways), best friend, partner, and great love.

It is very hard to stand up straight when you lose someone so significant. It is impossible to breathe. All that is real is the raw feeling of your heart. It feels as if it has gone 10 rounds with Mike Tyson. It’s bruised, cracked, crushed, and as if a part is missing.

When someone choses to die it is very hard to take. Why? Why? Why? Why? Is what you say. But when you know the why, it still doesn’t make it any easier.

Loss is all-consuming. But not in the way you might think. At least that’s what I found. It seemed impossible to believe that I would ever smile or laugh again. Days after the loss I did just that. I laughed. And I felt horrible.

I thought, “How dare I feel joy. How dare I laugh. How can I do that when I am so devastated.” I felt like a horrible person. Like I was trivializing what had just happened to someone I adored and loved. I was taken aback by the feelings.

I thought about this situation and spoke about it others. People said, “he’d want you to be happy” and “he’d want you to feel joy.” And I know all that, he would. But I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to be happy. I wanted to be writhing on the floor in tears, keening in corners, tearing my hair out. I wanted to be wailing. Because that’s how I really felt. But I couldn’t. Something stopped me.

What was it? I don’t know for certain. But my belief tells me it is a lot of things. It is our love. It was buoying my spirit. It was allowing me to see joy even through all the pain. It is him. He was here in my heart, in my head, in my world. I felt him. I heard him. I KNOW he is here helping me get through this.

I know everyone has their belief systems and those systems have different takes on what happens when someone dies. But what I know, what I’ve experienced in the past, tells me that those we love don’t leave us right away, if ever. And that gives me peace. That allows me to laugh.

I talk to him all the time. I tell him when I’m mad at him. I tell him how much I miss him. I tell him what I’m going to do for the future. I wait for his response. I talk to him before I go to sleep. I talk to him when I wake up. All through the day I tell him that I love him. That he changed me. That our love was singularly wonderful. That everything that we went through made me the person I am today. That my strength comes from the fact that I loved him and he loved me.

That’s how I get through my loss. Some may say it’s wrong. I don’t care. Every loss is different and everyone goes through their loss in their own way.

Why? I’ll still ask this over and over. But what I chose to really work at is remembering. The way he said my name. How he loved to tease me and drive me nuts. His smile. The way it felt when he hugged me. The moments we bore our souls to each other. The joy we shared in laughter. The moments with our family. The day I married him.

Every night when I go to bed I turn off the light in my family room. As I reach for the switch I see our wedding picture. I see our faces and how we were looking at each other with just complete adoration, hope, truth, and love. That’s my last image of my day.

Loss. It’s a word that is inadequate in my book. But loss exists and we must get through it. I will get through it. He knew this about me. But how I get through it will be my own way and in my own time.

Lorena

Advertisements

10 thoughts on “Loss

  1. Lorena,

    Reading this brings tears to my eyes. I can not begin to imagine your pain, your loss. I wish I could wash it away for you; bring Terry back. I never knew him, but I knew you loved each other – I knew you were happy.

    I am hopeful you can hold on to your love for each other. I am hopeful the memories of that love sustains you and I pray you will love again because love is all that matters..

    XOXOXOXOX
    Minnie

    • Thank you, Minnie! This has been such a rollercoaster of emotions and feelings. But our love has been my tether. I’m a writer and I thought writing would help the process and maybe help others along that might have similar loss. So, I’ll write and move forward carrying our love in my heart. Thank you for your support. It matters so much. Lorena

  2. My heart breaks for you. I remember sitting in the hotel room in San Francisco, interviewing you, and how your face just lit up when you talked about him. And your wedding pictures…your face, everything…your love for him shines from the inside out. And no matter that he is no longer physically present…your love for him is. Sending you all my love. and my prayers. I wish I could hug you in person. ❤

  3. Dear Lorena, I am thinking of you and sending you big hugs. This is a beautifully written post and I agree that Terry wants you to be happy. Though I didn’t know him, and haven’t met you in real life, I know what it is to be in unbearable pain and I believe if he chose to leave, he did so to make your life better, not worse. I know it does not feel that way now, but I believe that would be my intention if I ever made the same decision. Please try to enjoy the time you have on the planet. Don’t feel bad for smiling and laughing. much love, Karen

    • Thank you, Karen. Those words bring solace. And I do know that he only left because it was unbearable. I have the peace of knowing that he is no longer in pain and that I have the most kick ass guardian angel ever!

  4. Lorena. Your right. We never get over loss. We just learn how to live with it. And learn how to breathe again. I know, as I’ve lost people, but not my love. I can not begin to grasp how bleak your days and nights must be at times. I am in awe of you that you continue to get up and take part in a life that has been hit so fecking hard. You are amazing, strong, beautiful and so loved. I am here if you ever need anything.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s